MatthewMaynard.net

You Might Be A Gun Nut If…

Its amazing that Jeff Foxworthy never really got into the gun stereotype in the heyday of “You might be a redneck if…”. With that in mind, I present “You Might Be A Gun Nut If…”. Hat tip: KDT.

• you have ever loaded a drawer up with so much ammo that you can’t open it.
• someone asks how many guns you have, you have to think about it for a minute.
• you have ever bought ammo in a caliber that none of your guns fire.
• the guns you took to the range cost more than your car.
• you carry a different gun every day of the week.
• whenever you can’t decide which gun to get, you get both.
• you get your wife/girlfriend to wear Hoppes 9 instead of her usual perfume.
• you take so many guns to the range and don’t shoot half of them.
• you have an extra room in your house just for ammo and guns.
• your home page is set to a firearms-related webpage.
• you count the number of bullets that people shoot in a movie and then scream a top of your lungs BULLSH**!!! when a guy using a revover mows down a battalion of criminals without reloading.
• you know more about the Constitution than your lawyer.
• your wife leaves you and you don’t mind. Your dog gets run over by a truck and you barely flinch. But you accidentally drop your favorite gun, gets scratched and you cry a river.
• you have more holsters than Imelda Marcos had shoes.
• you never stop looking for pre-ban hi-cap magazines… even in a supermarket.
• you can field strip any firearm you own hanging upside down and blindfolded.
• you have ever bought a gun to fill an old holster someone gave you.
• you have ever bought a gun to shoot up a half-filled 20-round box of ammo someone gave you, because you didn’t have a rifle in that caliber yet.
• you have ever accidentally run a pocket pistol through the wash and spin cycles, still in your pants pocket.
• you do not own a single fabric-based item (clothing, bags or suitcases) that does NOT set off the explosives trace detector at the airport.
• you have ever bought a gun that is identical to TWO you already own, because the first two are out-of-production NIB examples and you can’t bring yourself to shoot them.
• when buying something with pocket change, you have to pick the dimes and quarters out of a handful of loose .22 ammo.
• you regularly find guns around the house and in far corners of the safe that you have no memory of buying … and such discoveries no longer surprise you.
• you have ever busted a spring on your car from piling too much ammo in the trunk on the way to a shoot.
• you have ever researched a firearm you own to find out the date it was manufactured… and then thrown a birthday party for it.
• you go to WalMart for back-to-school supplies, then must explain to your wife why that includes 1k of 9mm Win white box.
• your dog is “Dog” and your cat is “Cat,” but each of your guns has a name. (Well, at least the guns you’re closest to
• ya know, the ones you’ve bonded with.)
• when you say “Damn ! That is a sexy looking piece!”, your wife knows you are not looking at another woman.
• whenever you see a story on TV about a gator spotted in a neighborhood, you think “Crap, there goes another target of opportunity.”
• any time a weather person on TV gives the latest update on the hurricane du jour, the first thought you have is to wonder if you have enough ammo.
• your hurricane panels have shooting ports.
• you have to have additional homeowner’s insurance specifically for firearms.
• the cops have ever called Homeland Security after pulling you over.
• you have ever carried more than two guns at once.
• when the local gunshop needs an old or obscure magazine, they call you.
• when you call your local House Rep’s office, the guy who answers groans and says “I’ll tell him again not to vote for AWB” as soon as he hears your name.
• you have more holsters than pants.
• the movers all groan when they see your gunsafe.
• you spend half an hour bitching about how the good guy in the movie killed 20 badguys firing full-auto from the hip.
• you spend another half an hour explaining how the movie would have been over in 10 minutes if any of the bad guy’s victims had a gun.
• you regularly just sit and stare at your guns for a while, and the rest of your family doesn’t find this strange.
• you can actually take a nap in a gun range.
• you felt a knot in your stomach when they showed US soldiers in Iraq destroying a cache of brand spanking new AK-74s on the news.
• you mount a tripod, bayonet and flash suppressor to your N.A.A. 22 MINI MAG.
• you do a complete breakdown of all your weapons just to stay in practice – “especially if you haven’t made it to the range lately.”
• you find more .22LR rounds than loose coins when you clean out your car.
• your nightstand is stacked with gun mags and firearm technical and reloading manuals.
• your primary office decoration at work or on your fridge at home is your best target group.
• your guns are cleaner than your home.
• a topless joint with free admission is half a mile away, and instead you drive 40 miles to the shooting range on a Saturday night.
• you alternate Silvertips and Hydra-shoks in your magazines because they look prettier that way.
• you can’t figure out why your non-shooting friends laugh when you say “Bushmaster”.
• you collect brass even though you only buy factory ammo.
• “Miller Time” means plinking at beer cans.
• the highlight of your week is discovering that six .40 SW hollowpoints fit perfectly in a plastic 35mm film canister. (5 up/1 down in the middle).
• you ever had to explain “It’s not the SAME gun, it’s a different VARIANT”.
• you can spot spent brass at 50 paces.
• you pick up brass in calibers you don’t shoot, just in case.
• you have a drawer full of holsters that weren’t quite right (don’t we all?).
• you watch old WWII movies and can identify and look at all the rifles and handguns but can’t remember who starred in the movie or what it was about.
• .30-06 or 8×57 to you is just as appealing as 36-24-36.
• you drive over fifty miles to buy anything gun-related.
• you start feeling uneasy if you have fewer than 500 rounds on hand for your favorite shooter.
• you reflexively count the number of shots fired by every weapon in the film, then gripe to your friends when the gunshots exceed the capacities.
• your telephone number is: 223-2250 or 308-3006 or 303-3040 or some other combination of three + four digit calibers.
• you think there is some special significance when you glance at a digital clock and it shows 3:08, 3:57, 2:23, etc., no matter how many times you see it.
• you consider concealed carry every time you shop for clothes.
• you visit the range more than twice a week.
• your teenage daughter’s next date is introduced to you while you’re sitting at the loading bench cleaning your M1 carbine.
• you’ve ever photographed your entire gun collection, but “insurance purposes” never entered your mind.
• you let your wife go out and blow all kinds of money on junk she’ll never use just so she won’t gripe when you buy that latest piece you really need for your collection.
• you can point out all the mistakes they make on American Shooter and the History Channel’s Tales Of The Gun.

And one I can relate to: